oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
