Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Why can't burritos get me drunk
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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