my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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