i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
