I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
