I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
