u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
