Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
