i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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