I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
