if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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