One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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