Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
