im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
