Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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