i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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