Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
