I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
