I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
