I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
