I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
