I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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