You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
