Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
