Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
