He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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