I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Semen is not good for contacts.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
