Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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