Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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