Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
