He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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