Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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