I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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