textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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