party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Sorry about my life...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
