Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
