I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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