There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
