its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Found the puke drawer
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize