So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
