weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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