Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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