I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
