Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize