I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
