ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
