the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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