if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
