Already got asked if we're dating
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
