that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
