please come you make the beer taste better
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize