They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
