I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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