She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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