no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
