Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I have demons in me.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
