Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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