She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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