I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
