Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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