Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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