Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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