wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Randomize
