Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
