She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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