I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
