You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Come on in and take your pants off
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