I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
